Wednesday, September 23, 2009

- this made me hate my life even more -

its been some time since i blogged..i didn't wan to blog as i have many happy as well as unhappy events happening around me..

today was supposedly a happy day..after work bought ingredients that will be using to make pancake..but once i reached home..things started to change after awhile which is now..now how i just feel is that i'm staring to hate my life even more..imagine your own mother telling your sister that one day when she dies..she will regret not talking to her..i understand the meaning of this sentence..but what i cannot stand is that..someone spreading negative about me within the family..i thought family should mean understanding each other and be there whenever in need? i doubt so in my family..if we change the scenario..what if one day i told my siblings all the untold dirty secrets that my parents have..its like telling them my parents are no good because blah blah blah..it would leave a very bad impression on them in the future..how would they feel then? it would just be how i am feeling..just that they dun even fucking know..nor fucking care..i do all these not because of myself..its because i wan them to understand how grandma felt when she was alive..how she treated grandma was how i treated her now..they dun use direct words to ask how is the person..instead through another person they understand some truth..but not the whole picture..but i still loved grandma because she understands me..she understands what i want and what i am going through..compared to my parents who don't even try asking just because they don't even dare asking..look at my lifestyle..i'm using my sis's lousy phone..wearing the same old t shirt and shorts that was bought like duno how many years ago..wearing cheap slippers or shoes that were given by cousins..specs that was made like 10-20 dollars since 4-5 years ago..i dun hav anything..everything is worthless on me..and everything internal of me is not cultured by them..is from grandma's side..including uncle and maid's..there is nothing positive for me to learn from them..and since young..other than money issues..i dun think i have any remembrance of them..i cherish grandma more than i cherish them..cuz of the bond i built with grandma since young..its hard to forget..i still love her and will always do..now as i have grown older..my principles is rooted to my heart..if they still don't do anything..i doubt i will change..they have someone to confide when they need a listening ear..but do i? i don't even have friends as close as to spurt all my secrets to..nobody..do you even know how painful it is for me? if you don't..den i rather don't talk..i don't want things to worsen..it will be good to let my memories stay just the way as it is..my only wish to you two..is that hope you treat my siblings well..understand and care for them..don't wait till its too late and become like me..i bet you'll regret more than i'll regret bout u..i'm sorry to say all this but i have to say all my heart felt words out as i cannot stand all these fucking complaints anymore..

beex never ending fairytales- 2:41 AM

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