Saturday, July 25, 2009

- inspired -

sometimes forgotten about blogging..recently did dream on and off..couldn't rmb most of it due to sudden wake ups from the noises my sister was causing hahas..i only rmb once where i was at my grandma's house and inside her room..i rmb walking out of her room and when i looked around..i saw her container filled with her ashes on a cupboard with her picture right in front of it..i didn't seem scared even though i dreamt mostly of her with her ashes or alters or pictures..i seemed more calmed than ever..at least i am happy when i remember i did dream of her..because thats the only happy moments i really have so far for this past 3months..

today was watching tv and saw this show Oprah's Big Give..it was nice as the whole show it was about helping people..i suddenly had this thought in my mind which is..by the age of 21..if i'm earning a good income by then..i would wan to donate a portion of it to charities..of cuz i would want to check whether is it certified or not as there are many scams nowadays..mainly of toddlers,children,elderly and even the teen ages..i felt i was a little luckier than them as at least i have a roof over my top and born in a place where i was taken care of by kins around me..but to them..you can see in their eyes how much they wish to have a family to care and concern for them..especially the elderly..if among all these age groups..i would rank in terms of which category i would like to help most is..elderly,toddler,children,teens..hahas..you might be shock how come i would pick elderly first rite..actually i love the elderly alot..especially my grandparents..till now my 2 grandmothers have left me..currently left my grandfather..i duno y but they have these wishes that seems to be unfulfilled..sometimes they do not know how to express it or people just dun want to listen to them..they have tonnes of experiences to share and being a grandparent that can take care of their children to their grand children is a very noble thing..and usually on tv you get to see those bunch of fcuking bastards whom get close to the old because of money..like those very ill and have less time to spend..i totally despise this kind of ppl..our grandparents lived all their lives just wanting to see their next generations living healthy and well..but some children duno what they are thinking wanting to take everything away from their own parents..unfilial bastards..i curse them for life..i personally had heard that my upper generation family had had fueds becuz their parent passed on and were arguing over money matters..my fathers side was some time ago..and my mothers side was just a few months back..come on la..i feel like slapping you all..but i know i can't..your parents raised you up since you were a child, although family background wasn't as good..but at least they did their part..when you have children..your mother may have offered to help you take care of them..but as your children get old..you commitment get bigger..you start neglecting your mother more and more..did you realise that? becuz i once asked my grandmother..whether did they come visit you..she say yes but getting lesser and lesser..mostly just come and bring money, chatted awhile and left..sometimes on the phone..thats it..she told me money is like nothing..she say she has alot..in the back of my mind i know what she is trying to say..she just wants accompaniment from her children and she will feel contented..most of the times she even hope my mum would visit her more often..becuz i know my mum always had excuses not to visit her..i dislike my mum in this way..always when need money then approach own mother..what sia..means till then if i need money from you i just ask from you then i dun visit liao can? you also like that do to your own mother..i as your children have no eyes to see and dun wan to learn this selfish way..during the times where she was starting to get very sick..where she couldn't rmb most of us..when i asked her all of your names to her..she only remembered uncle..do you all even know that? Now..because of my family debt background..we were limited to alot of things..i am scared to sit around you all for gatherings..fearful you might nag nag nag again..when i needed encouragement..no one was there for me except my grandmother..when i almost couldn't attend school..she even offered to provide me to study but of course i rejected her because my mum is still in debt to her..i feel she is more of my parent than my parents..that point of time i can only show my love in a way outside of my relatives eyes..which is in the hospital..i would visit her the whole day seeing her eat,sleep,talk,scolding,smiling,in pain,happy..only those moments i am very happy as its like a world of our own and we do not have to care for outsiders..for now..without her around..things had changed drastically for me..i had to shun from my relatives being fearful of nags and debt impressions..do you know what it feels like being a family and not like a family..it sucks..overall i just want to say..i still love my grandma more than anyone in this world..i hope she is watching over me every min and sec of my life..

beex never ending fairytales- 12:26 AM

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