Saturday, June 27, 2009

- 3:26am -

its 3.26am in the morning and i'm still awake..today's my birthday! haha..sometimes do not know whether should i be happy or should i be sad..

i'm happy because..
-i still have friends i can count on
-i still have siblings and cousins to help myself change my state of emotions
-i still have a grandfather around that i can take care of
-i have drama's to temporarily divert my emotions and thinkings and help relaxing
-i have a promised dream to go for and would not give up until i achieved it

i'm sad because..
-my most beloved grandmother will not be around to encourage me and put some smiles and laughters on each others faces
-i'm practically lonely
-i'm different when compared to other people..having things they want and like and having people close to them understand them and care for them
-i'm too carefree because there are no enforced rules in this house for me to follow..i'm practically lost
-time spent with the whole family probably don't sum up to a month which is 30days out of the entire 19 years i spent in my life..everyone just have their own things to do or are either too busy and kept forgetting and neglecting day after day
-i seldom smile and laugh anymore..most of the times i'm faking it and i myself know it
-i've been sleeping late these 2 months which varies from 2-6am sleeping timings as i am afraid when i fall aslp i might think of memories which make me wanna cry and the next day my eyes would be swollen..it happened once out of this 2 months..i'm afraid to show my true self..so helpless..so painful..
-there are debts to be returned and because of this people around me are using their pair of eyes to look at me in a different manner which i totally dislike..its not my debts..its between upper generations..but just because i am their lower generation i want to do something to resolve this..which is to clear everything and state my views in front of them..i want both my paternal and maternal family tree to be harmonious and happy..i don't want each families to compare this compare that..and eventually hurt or break the bond between siblings..thats too hurtful and selfish to the lower generations because we are innocent..i wan to protect and build everything up from scratch as a form of promise to my grandmother that i will help her take care of the family for her..i don't want her to be looking at us in another world with an mind of unpeacefulness..i will feel what she is feeling too..
-i really don't know when can i open my heart out and sincerely smile again..

with my presence state of mind..i only have this much to blog..hope i didn't bore you much with my heartfelt words..

beex never ending fairytales- 12:28 PM

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