Wednesday, May 13, 2009

- ahhhh -

hmm..its about 1 week since i blogged..in between did felt like blogging but was lazy..so now i feel like it so i blog..lol..u must be thinking i'm funny right..hahhas..well recently just moved house..its just 2 blocks away..the feeling is totally fresh and new..

sometimes have you felt like you are nothing in this world? nobody would want to bother to know you or even help you or understand you? i have been feeling this ever since my grandma left..i feel very insecure and sometimes would feel that i can leave the world and join her since i have no frens nor anything im committed to in this world..the only thought i'm still pulling through is i want to make lots and lots of money and spend like nobody's business..i want to travel all over the world and bringing my cousins and loved ones along..i dun wan to be alone..i do feel scared..

sometimes my parents just wouldn't want to understand me..i envy other ppl's parents where they would sit down and talk to each other regarding their personal matters and what they are facing in life..and finding solutions tgt..for me..its totally opposite..my parents dun even understand me or dun even try to..they just use their level of understanding and thinking to determine what am i thinking..like example..today one of my parents fren with family came to visit our new house..then at one point of time the auntie would come in and so called "keng" me to go back to study..because she is quite a successful private tutor i guess..those teach mostly foreigners at their own home those kind..its like to them qualifications means everything..but for me i dun think this way..i'm someone who dun like to study..even if you force me into it..i defnitely won't do well..its like wasting time on something i'm being forced into..i won't feel happy at all..my parents dun understand my level of thinking and dun even bother to ask whether what do i want..they just leverage on other ppl whom might be their frens or relatives to keng me..which is what i despise..i'm feeling like why can't you just tell me? why must you ask other ppl to tell me? dun you know i'm faking my expressions and speech to strangers? if u ask me and talk to me..i might flare or show attitude..but at least i would let you all know what i want..isn't this better? i thought parents and children must go through some rough patches before the whole family can stick tgt? but my case i dun think so..on my lvl of thinking is that..my parents only supply financial aspect to me..i dun really have feelings for this family do you know what i mean? cuz most of the things is done by other ppl..be it wadeva except the money part..

so for me..my only parents i really acknowledge is my grandma..she has been both my father and mother since i was young..she will try to understand me and find solutions tgt as a family..she taught me how to be a real person..therefore in this world she's the only person i can confide to only..there are times where we laugh,cry,play,eat,talk and do almost everything under the sun..she's always there for me..although i may be unfilial at times..but deep in my heart she's my most loved kin..i spent too much happy times in the world with her then anyone else..its rooted deep in my mind and i will nv forget..

dun ever judge a person..a person can be soft on the outside but tough on the inside..or either way can be tough on the outside and soft on the inside..my parent used his eyes to judge me by what i nv do and not by what i have done and spreading so much not so good stuff about me in front of other ppl..sometimes i wonder..am i his daughter? or am i just some useless junk that can despised and become a punching bag for him..i feel hatred and vengence..sometimes i even thought of threatening him..becuz there ar times he went too far..if he dares to push my limit..i wouldn't know what i would do..i can only say i am a volcano waiting to erupt one day..

these few nights i have not been slping well..i couldn't fall aslp early..probably thinking of never ending stuff..

beex never ending fairytales- 11:58 AM

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