Tuesday, April 14, 2009

- excrutiating memories -

ystd visited grandma..she was in a daze and was sleeping most of the time which was wad the maid told me..i was very sad..i cried instantly..but had to hide it cuz my sis and my cousin is in another room using de cpu..after that we kids went to play a few hrs of table tennis..and when we reach back..my uncle wanted to bring us to eat and lot 1 so called kopitiam..duno wad the actual name called..it was a food court la lol..den while eating my tears duno y unexpectedly keep dripping twice and both my cousin and my sis saw it..but i told them i was tired n kept yawning thus the water in my eyes..my cousin and sis were talking about whether this weekend was it our grandma's bday..but eventually it was not..it was next month..this weekend was like just a mini gathering thats all..then at that point of time i saw my uncle sniff..a lil tears but he wiped it off with his hands and pretended nth happen..that was the point of time my tears dripped down my face twice too..my uncle kept looking at me and i quite sure wad de reason was..but i just kept thinking of things that made me angry and funny to forget about the crying feelings..after that went back and my mum was at their house waiting to pick us home..and when i wanted to tell my grandma we were leaving..she had already fallen aslp..her expression was very saddening, her speech was so weak that she could barely even whisper in my ear..and during last night..if im not wrong..it was the first time in my life that i had an insomnia problem..i lied on my bed at 12 midnight as my bro was preparing to slp already..and guess wad..i rolled around in bed until 6am before i could fall aslp..my eyes were swollen painfully due to the excessive crying the whole evening i would say..and the whole night i was thinking of my grandma..all the past memories..sometimes i wish i could go back in time to accompany her more..spend more time with her..laugh with her..watch tv with her..walk in the park with her..learn cooking from her..put out the laundry with her..fold clothes with her..nag tgt with her..joke with her..eat with her..talk with her..share secrets with her..talk on the phone with her..go market buy food with her..and just be by her side..i thought of wad to have for her for her early birthday gift..until today..i still have a memory that haunts me till now..which is..prob a year or so back..my grandma was admitted to the hospital..everyone was there to visit her..but she didn't wan to see anyone..when my aunties and uncle kept asking who does she wan to see..my mum told me was they asked her like eg in chinese translated to eng is "Who are you looking for? Who do you want to see? Do you want to see Bao Hua? etc etc" the kept shaking her head and saying no..until the name mei mei came out..she nodded consistently throughout this name..at that point of time i was the only one who did not visit her due to work issues..when i came back from home i had this note on my laptop written by my mum regarding my grandma over this matter..i was shock..the next day i went over alone early..de moment i saw her i cried..she couldn't really recognize me and kept scaring us she saw chillis while pointing towards de hospital ceiling..my first thinking was..she might not be wearing her glasses so she couldn't really see properly..on second thought was from my relatives that she did not have much time..i kept praying it was the first one i had thought of..this memory is still haunting me till today and it is my biggest regret in my life..there is a proverb which says in chinese " Bu Yao Deng Dao Shi Qu Shi Cai Lai Zhen Xi " "Dun Wait For Things To Be Lost Then You Start Cherishing " i truly understand this proverb now..i was too late..although de happy memories were just 2-3 years back and now everthing has changed..part of my life have drowned along..im not the person who puts de strong upfront anymore..im just a mere crybaby..i wan to get things done b4 anything happens..which is to start preparing my early bday gift..

beex never ending fairytales- 9:52 PM

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