Friday, April 24, 2009

- everything is over.. -

well its been roughly a week since i blogged..things have been going up and down till i was blurred at one moment and traumatized at the other..i rmbed during the 18th of april..i went up my grandma's house..she still looked the same..but today was special..because during de day i hav already recorded a short 10-15min speech on what i want to say to my grandma..it includes all those happy memories that we both spent together..and wished her a happy be-early birthday and wanted her to get well..and eventually sang 2 songs to her too..i choose to record becuz in front of her..i would almost immed break into tears..so recording would be crisp and clear..and i want her to reminisce out past and let us both remember the very good time spent when i was growing up..after listening to the recording..she did not respond to anything..i just prayed she could understand what i wanted her know towards how i feel about her..on that week itself..there were moments where she could respond to me..but its only a short time span..most of the time she'd be sleeping..

eventually the unexpected happened..on monday 20/4/09..while i was on my way to my grandma's house..i was thinking to grab some food and eat beside her to have the feeling like last time how we ate tgt..it was during around 5.40pm when i reached the doorsteps..i was stunned to see all the red papers sticked onto the mirrors and alters in the house..it caught my attention and i asked what happen from the maid whom was standing at the doorstep..she said my grandma has left..at that very moment i cannot accept the fact..i immed went into my cousins room and couldn't stop crying..after awhile she asked me to have a last look on my grandma b4 she'd be moved to the place prepared for funeral services..i felt very very guilty at that time as i didn't came early to hear her last words..i couldn't stop reproaching myself all the time..

the following day..it was the 1st day of funeral..when the time has come..they began to place the coffin..that day seemed like the worse day of my entire life..upon having a first look of my grandma..i couldn't stop feeling guilty and reminisce the times tgt again..afterwards what happened on that day i couldn't rmb..

the next day which is a wednesday..it was de 2nd day..i started to feel more relaxed as my cousins were like playing around and saying funny stuff..between me and other cousins seemed more bonded in a way compared to last time..we joked more..laughed more..and literally spent time more in a way..it was between younger cousins like huihui and long long and er yi ma's entire family like xiaojiejie..xiaokorkor..da korkor..biao sao..and their lovable daughter rachel (duno if i spelled right)..it was fun..my pain did slowly eased a little because of them..at night when were were about to leave..suddenly a very huge wind blew past and sort of moved the tables and chairs..it was horrific..me and another cousin just kept stacking chairs and moving the table later on tgt with my uncle..until everything was in order..den we went in to check on grandma's alter whether did the fire diminished and other stuff..after things start to get better..we were preparing to leave..it was 7 ppl in total squeezing in a 5seater mitsubishi lancer if i not wrong..my uncle's car..

the third day..which is a thursday..i reached about 8+ ..burnt some incense papers b4 heading up to my younger cousin's house..i took awhile b4 i fell aslp on the bed till about 12.30pm which was around lunch..and had to change to the so called funeral clothings..and be prepared to go down for the rituals..it started appox 3+..the rituals movements were a little intensive for me as my legs were a little hurt because of extensive kneeling on the first day..i couldn't control myself that time as i kept ranting myself as unfilial..during the evenings where it was around time to burn the paper made buildings etc etc..it was time to name the servants..i duno the two main servants what name was it as i couldn't really rmb..i only rmbed the 2 pilots were named diana and raffles in chinese and the captain of the ship was called andylau in chinese..these names were picked from my younger cousin longlong as he used he's pocket money to buy for grandma the aeroplane and the ship..all the burning eventually ended around 10-11pm or so..then i was being asked to start burning the incense papers..at the start i was alone..until one of my elder cousins came along..we chatted awhile and i started to ask something..which was why does she seemed so quiet and dun really mix around with us..her reply was something like..when we were young..we always bully her and eventually led her to become a lil autistic lol..last time me and xiaokorkor were really quite mean..we used to bully her and make fun of her..imagine this was like happening 10+years ago..i only remembered the bullying part but not the process of how..but come to think of it..i was childish then..i was only in lower primary and was being influenced to the naughty side..after that we just started chatting..and awhile later her brother came too..it was a little wierd at first for me..as throughout these years we dun really talked to them..but at that point of time we just kept talking and talking..it was fun thou lol..because they were the mature and educated type..while another part of my relatives ar mature but not that educated type so i tend to be more similar to them i mean in terms the ways of speech movements etc..sometimes i fall in the middle haha..so i would just stand there or talk to the adults..as they are very mature in a way and very united which was wad i like..if all of us cousins can be united i tink i'd be happy and i think grandma would feel happy for us too wherever she may be..later in the night slept at around 4am beside the big tv near the door..

today which is a friday..it was the last day of funeral..we prayed..washed..wiped cleaned the coffin before it was being sent off to the cremation place..but b4 that..during the prayers many ppl were crying..at that time i was thinking if i cry to..i would add alot of burden towards the families and wat if my grandma sees my upsetting face..she'd not go in peace..so i endured throughout and kept goin around to pass tissues to the adults and some of my cousins..it was totally heart breaking..i only felt my grandma passing me strength to not cry..after the walking and bus trips..we reached the cremation area..when the coffin is being sent off to burn..i really couldn't control anymore..i kept thinking how i kept stroking her hair and holding her hand just last week and now i wouldn't be able to see her physical appearances anymore..it felt as if part of me have been burnt together with the fire..it hurt badly..afterwards the whole day i just felt like collapsing..

beex never ending fairytales- 8:19 AM

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